'The secret ingredient is crime...'

Last night I really couldn't sleep.
This week Max and I have agreed to have a 'sober' week, seeing as we've been drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol recently. I couldn't remember the last time I hadn't woken up dizzy and still slightly drunk. Which is my version of a hangover.

But so far we've managed four days. Unless you count a pint of cider last night. But come on, that was nothing. I was still technically sober.

One of the more unfortunate side effects of going to bed drunk every night is that I now have trouble getting to sleep without it. I have trouble sleeping when there is someone else in the bed anyway, but I thought I was getting over that. But last night proved otherwise. I felt tired, but I just couldn't get comfortable, the irks were on my mind. After about half an hour of me sighing and rolling over every five seconds, Max got up and said he was going downstairs; he knows I can't sleep well when he's in the bed, I think he feels guilt for it. I convinced him to stay, I don't like sleeping alone any more. So he got back into bed, but after another half an hour, I still couldn't sleep, and I was starting to feel anxious because I knew Max had to get up early the next day for a lecture. So I just said, 'Max, I can't sleep'. Which was enough. He got up and went downstairs, leaving with slightly more of a cold shoulder than I would've liked, but I get it. I'm not sure if he was upset about that. The bad thing is a small part of me hopes that I did hurt him a bit by doing that. It makes me feel more in control after the whole cheating thing. I'll get to that later, or maybe in a different post.

After another hourish I gave up and ended up making crumpets and watching Peep Show until about four in the morning. I woke up at about 10:45 because I got a call from Max. He asked me to let him in. I did and then went back to my room and got back into bed without saying anything. He came and lay next to me. He smelt really nice and he held my hand.

I can't drink tonight, so the plan is to try and get a start on some coursework, but I'm not sure how well that will go. I think I'll do a bit, then make some pasta, then do a bit more. That'll do for today.

Tomorrow I can finally get trashed. I know what some people may think about that. What else am I supposed to do? I'm eighteen, it's what I do. I do the University stuff, I eat very little, I get gattered, and I have sex.

LIKE A BOSS

Irks

1. I got a call from my Dad asking me if I've sent a birthday card to my stepmum. I said no. And I'm not planning to. He said why, I said because I hate her. She constantly bullies my sister and I can't understand how he can't notice it. Not one person in our family likes her. She is a pathetic excuse for a parent, and certainly no replacement. He shouted at me a lot and called me selfish. I shouted back that it was ironic he was calling me selfish when he was the one who couldn't see how unhappy his own daughter is, and maybe if he stopped calling her names all the time it might cheer her up.

2. I lost my best friend. He didn't die or anything, but in a way I suppose that wouldn't be as painful. At least he would still want to be my friend.

3. I'm in love. I've wanted to tell him for ages now. But I was scared he wouldn't like it because I know he was in love with his ex-girlfriend. But last night he said it to me. And then he told me to forget he'd said it. I said how could I forget something like that, that's the best thing anyone has ever told me. I was feeling so happy. But then he asked me if he could talk to me in private. I said okay, and he took me to his room, and told me he cheated on me. Now I don't know what to do with myself.