Donkey Fudging

Last night I had some fun. I went round J's after school and met up with some friends later on that evening. The same friends that were involved in all the shinanigans of this post. But this time it wasn't so much running around drunk and foolish, but more 'Oh, just one vodka and coke for me'.

Well actually it was a double vodka. But I shared with J because she was ill and had been on pills all day. I felt a bit iffy and also had a cold coming on. So yah just the one.

Anyway, after we wandered around and somehow ended up at the kids park behind the Waitrose carpark. At this time it was probably around 11:30ish, and let me tell you, it looked fudging creepy. So creepy in fact that when the wind casually blew an innocent plastic bag along the railings, it was mistaken for a giant. We decided to use this to our advantage in scaring chavs.

Basically, we turned the roundabout and swung all the swings then exited the park to admire our handiwork. It looked pretty fudging convincing if you ask me. At this precise moment, a lone chav was taking a man-shuffle down the path, so we all stopped and stared at the possessed playground. B even got out his phone and pretended to take a video. Me and J mostly tried to turn our fits of giggling into terrified shivering.
It must have had some effect because chav quickly hippedy hopped straight into the public loos while we guffawed our way back home.

Back at J's, we made a pizza and a ridiculous amount of popcorn, and tried to decide what movie to watch. Turns out that movie 'Donkey Punch' was playing on Film 4. If you don't know what a Donkey Punch is, Google it. I am not explaining it.

Anyway, the movie was complete bollocks. I mean seriously, it was shit. Don't watch it. It just makes you want to be sick and kick the TV in and kill yourself. I will explain.

The plot went like this:
3 girls (can't remember real names) Boring, Sonic and Slag.
4 guys Prick, Blue Shirt, Engineer and Captain.
They're all on a hoiday someplace. The opening scene is Boring examining her armpit in the mirror. She grabs a razor and accidentally hacks a chunk of skin away. I don't know why.
The girls go down to the beach, meet the guys, go back to the huge fuck off boat, do some slutty flirting, take some drugs and have group sex.

Blue Shirt kills Slag by Donkey Punching her a little too hard and breaking her neck. Prick has it all on tape. Must get rid of tape. Throws it overboard. Throw body overboard. Have dinner. Prick says something that Boring doesn't like. Boring stabs Prick in the shoulder. Girls get into lifeboat and drift away. Boring lights up flare. Guys see flare. Go and get girls. Sonic fires flare at Captain. It embeds into his stomach and sets him on fire. He falls into ocean. Still on fire. Dies. Guys lock girls in a small room with a thick glass door. Blue Shirt carries Prick into small dark room. Le gasp! Prick still has tape! Blue Shirt wants it. He tourtures Prick by twisting and pushing the knife into him. Meanwhile, Boring is trying to escape room. Bangs heavy object on door. Door cracks. Boring does not register this and decides to run through door. Large piece of glass embedded into her knee. Pulls it out with unecessary detail. Despite this traumatic injury, Boring is able to run around with no difficulty. Boring hears Prick telling Blue Shirt where tape is. Pikeys tape. Blue Shirt is angry and kills Prick. Engineer pops up. Sonic kills Engineer with chainsaw. Boring and Blue Shirt cry. Sonic commits suicide. Boring and Blue Shirt get in lifeboat. Blue Shirt wants tape. Has knife. Boring throws tape on floor. Blue Shirt is distracted by this. Boring loops rope around Blue Shirts neck. Rope is attatched to big boat. Blue Shirt is yanked backwards. Boring lights flare. Film ends.

By the way, that was a spoiler.
Do. Not. Want.

Title Fail

If you know me, you probably know that I bite my nails. Well, actually... I chew on them like they're made of sugar mice. My stepmum has lived with me for about eight or nine years. She booked me a manicure.

First I was like 'Whaaat you retard', but it made me stop biting them, and now they look all pretty and black.....

I'm not emo.

It made me late for meeting up with J though, so we didn't have as much time as we wanted in Swindon. We went to BB's and I got this bacon wrap thing, which turned out to be the most disgusting thing I've ever put in my mouth (true story). Fortunatley I had my Britpop magazine with me, so me and J just sat in awe of how pretty and talented Blur are.

Gawsh....
They really are pretty...(I was going to embed a picture of them but my computer is died)

Also today, I put my knickers on back to front. Luckily they are boxer types so it didnt made much difference apart from I had a pocket at the front rather than the back.

This was an accidental incident by the way. I only noticed when I saw the label sticking out the front.

Twang-Overdrive-Feedback

My stepmum just informed me that she and my Dad are going out for the evening.
This means I have the house to myself (except for my sister, but that's nothing a wedgie can't fix).

I think I'll annoy the neighbours by making random and very loud noises on my guitar.

I have perfected 50% of Trimm Trabb by Blur.
I have perfected 25% of Paranoid Android by Radiohead.
I have completed 20% of my biology homework.
I have completed 0% of my english language homework.

Oh darn.

Newsflash

My Dad thinks I'm a retard.

Despite the fact I passed my biology exam (well, I did shite but hey, a pass is a pass) he remains skeptical about my ability to get higher than a C. I pointed out to him that I haven't actually had a decent crack at the exam yet. The first time I took it in January, I completely failed it with a handful of others in my class because I didn't bother to revise at all.
The second time I didn't revise a week before both of my biology exams because I went on holiday. I took my books and even managed to read a couple of pages before I fell asleep next to my pink umbrella lemonade. Have you ever tried revising on holiday? It's harder than the fucking exam. So because of that, I passed it, but only just.

This time I am determined to pass with a decent grade, I'm positive I can get a B if not an A if I really push myself. But my Dad reckons I should consider continuing with Art, since I have a better shot at getting a decent grade. Which is true, I got a C without even trying. But I can't stand how rigid it is. And anyway, I'll only get a B at best even if i draw my knickers off, and if I'm going to put myself through a year of art I'd rather get an A.

So I'm pretty sure I want to do biology this year, just to show my parents that I'm not a complete sock head.

Comments please xxx

The Good, The Not-So-Bad and The E

I just got my AS-Level results.
I passed everything. The intensity of the flying colours varied...

I will have retake Biology again...again...

So screw you idiots with your AAAB and your 'Oh, GOD a B the shame, the shame...'
Go play in traffic.

I Are Fearless

Today is the 10th August. That means it is my birthday. It is 12:03, which means you have 11 hours and 57 minutes to send me a birthday text, before I hate you forever.

My dearest bearded pally J was the first to send me a most splendiferous text this morning. I luff her forever. I might luff you a bit more if you bothered to acknowledge the fact that 17 yeas ago today I made the world a better place just by being forced through a vagina.

Appreciation for the Female Form

I get called a lesbian a lot. I never really understood why.

But I suddenly remembered an occurrence upon reading J's blog. It was when we were having our 'social gathering' a few fridays back, when E got out his pack of cards that had naked ladies on them:

J shows me a card

J: Is she hot?

Me: God yeah!

J: ...?

Me: Err... I mean... I don't know...

Hmm.... The light has been shed.

Please believe me, I am as straight as a ruler. The thought of kissing another girl actually makes me feel a bit gross (sorry boys). Oh put your knickers away, I'm not being a homophobe. For me, girls are great mates and the version of people I can be totally me around. I can talk about anything to my best girl mates, because I know they understand what I'm on about.

I don't really trust guys so much. Don't get me wrong, most of them are really amazing and funny, and I am perfectly capable of talking for hours about shit to them.

But some of them really piss me off. Some of them just hang around, using you as a fence post until they get what they want from someone else, then they forget you were ever friends.

Fuck you then.