Donkey Fudging

Last night I had some fun. I went round J's after school and met up with some friends later on that evening. The same friends that were involved in all the shinanigans of this post. But this time it wasn't so much running around drunk and foolish, but more 'Oh, just one vodka and coke for me'.

Well actually it was a double vodka. But I shared with J because she was ill and had been on pills all day. I felt a bit iffy and also had a cold coming on. So yah just the one.

Anyway, after we wandered around and somehow ended up at the kids park behind the Waitrose carpark. At this time it was probably around 11:30ish, and let me tell you, it looked fudging creepy. So creepy in fact that when the wind casually blew an innocent plastic bag along the railings, it was mistaken for a giant. We decided to use this to our advantage in scaring chavs.

Basically, we turned the roundabout and swung all the swings then exited the park to admire our handiwork. It looked pretty fudging convincing if you ask me. At this precise moment, a lone chav was taking a man-shuffle down the path, so we all stopped and stared at the possessed playground. B even got out his phone and pretended to take a video. Me and J mostly tried to turn our fits of giggling into terrified shivering.
It must have had some effect because chav quickly hippedy hopped straight into the public loos while we guffawed our way back home.

Back at J's, we made a pizza and a ridiculous amount of popcorn, and tried to decide what movie to watch. Turns out that movie 'Donkey Punch' was playing on Film 4. If you don't know what a Donkey Punch is, Google it. I am not explaining it.

Anyway, the movie was complete bollocks. I mean seriously, it was shit. Don't watch it. It just makes you want to be sick and kick the TV in and kill yourself. I will explain.

The plot went like this:
3 girls (can't remember real names) Boring, Sonic and Slag.
4 guys Prick, Blue Shirt, Engineer and Captain.
They're all on a hoiday someplace. The opening scene is Boring examining her armpit in the mirror. She grabs a razor and accidentally hacks a chunk of skin away. I don't know why.
The girls go down to the beach, meet the guys, go back to the huge fuck off boat, do some slutty flirting, take some drugs and have group sex.

Blue Shirt kills Slag by Donkey Punching her a little too hard and breaking her neck. Prick has it all on tape. Must get rid of tape. Throws it overboard. Throw body overboard. Have dinner. Prick says something that Boring doesn't like. Boring stabs Prick in the shoulder. Girls get into lifeboat and drift away. Boring lights up flare. Guys see flare. Go and get girls. Sonic fires flare at Captain. It embeds into his stomach and sets him on fire. He falls into ocean. Still on fire. Dies. Guys lock girls in a small room with a thick glass door. Blue Shirt carries Prick into small dark room. Le gasp! Prick still has tape! Blue Shirt wants it. He tourtures Prick by twisting and pushing the knife into him. Meanwhile, Boring is trying to escape room. Bangs heavy object on door. Door cracks. Boring does not register this and decides to run through door. Large piece of glass embedded into her knee. Pulls it out with unecessary detail. Despite this traumatic injury, Boring is able to run around with no difficulty. Boring hears Prick telling Blue Shirt where tape is. Pikeys tape. Blue Shirt is angry and kills Prick. Engineer pops up. Sonic kills Engineer with chainsaw. Boring and Blue Shirt cry. Sonic commits suicide. Boring and Blue Shirt get in lifeboat. Blue Shirt wants tape. Has knife. Boring throws tape on floor. Blue Shirt is distracted by this. Boring loops rope around Blue Shirts neck. Rope is attatched to big boat. Blue Shirt is yanked backwards. Boring lights flare. Film ends.

By the way, that was a spoiler.
Do. Not. Want.