another spider family ripped apart...

So, I was in my bedroom, and I thought I would have a nice warm shower before snuggling into bed.

So ho ho, sneaky sneaky little mousey, grabby towely, quietly quietly, little mousey girl opening little doorsies.

'OHMYDAYS YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT IS TOTALLY FREAKING GOING ON'

I opened my bedroom door and my sister was standing there in her jammies hopping about like some sort of complete twat. As you may have guessed, she had spotted a spider the size of a grapefruit on the landing.

This obviously meant fifteen minutes of dithering about with cardboard tubes. My sister likes to play a game called 'see how close you can tip-toe towards the spider before you have a complete ditherspaz and do an impression of a hummingbird'.

EVENTUALLY she had a complete spaz attack and threw one of the tubes at the poor spider before mashing it to death and then beating its corpse 'just to make sure'.

By this time I had locked myself in the bathroom, and when I came out the spider was gone and my sister was sitting bolt upright in her bed pretending to read a magazine.

That poor, poor spider. So young (possibly) and the death (brutal murder) came as such a shock, and so close to Christmas.

Still, at least it can't crawl across my face in the middle of the night now.
Unless all of it's spider chums want revenge...

... Oh God.

Chrimbo High!

Christmas!!

I love it.

Sadly for me, a lot of my friends are being a bunch of Scrooges. So I'm all like 'well SCREW YOU I'll keep your Christmas present' and suddenly it's all 'Oh er well, you know... It's not that I'm against Christmas or anything, and, I like presents...'

Bua ha ha just wait until they find out that I actually got them socks for presents.

I gave out all my Christmas cards today. And I bought some emergency ones. Which turned out to be very useful. Also, I only gave a card to ONE GUY because he is the SWEETEST GUY EVAR. So otherwise, I don't give cards to guys. I stopped in like, year 8 or something. I'm not sure why, perhaps it's the crippling rejection. So you can stop blubbering now. But if you didn't get one, you are incidentally missing out, because as Sara will tell you, I give excellent Christmas Cards.

This is because I never just write 'To Jeff, From Me.' I mean seriously. What.

Unfortunately, I get loads of them. Just 'To you, from whoever' ones. And then when I've finished reading it, they give me this massive grin like 'I really mean that'. Yes, that is so emotional and heartfelt. I can see how long that must have taken you to think of.

YOU CHIMP.

Today in the Corridor/sixth form work/chat area, I accidentally brushed my shoe against one of the purple chairs just as KAM walked past. Oh dear, I seemed to have left a microscopic bit of dust on the chair. How completely wretched of me. Yes, she went a teeny bit mental at me.

But whatever, I literally brushed it off. There, look Mrs Crazy, it's all gone now. Oh no, there seems to be a tiny bit left, could I possibly borrow your novelty wig to dust it off? etc etc.

Oh my stars it is totally going to snow tonight.
And if it doesn't, I will kill everyone who told me that it would.

I am super cereal.

>:c

God.
I hate my Dad. HATE HIM.

(sometimes)

Now I have to get into Uni, so I can get some fucking peace.

I'd dream-tap that

Oh God.

Last night I had dream that involved these two:

I know right.
Being that gorgeous should not be allowed. One day I know that I will be daydreaming about those two idiots when I really should be paying attention to some very important information and I will inevitably end up killing us all. Or at the very least myself. Which is just as bad.

Shall I put this into perspective?

The guy on the left is like my version of Edward Cullen. And the guy on the right is my version of Jacob Black. There is no favourite, they are like cheese and crackers.

OMG! Oh, no it's okay. I thought I saw a spider but it was actually just a rubber band. Yes, the spiders have made a fiery comeback in the form of a large-ish sized one next to the sink. Luckily it was my sister who saw it first, and she came stampeding out of the bathroom practically tripping over the carpet.

So anyway in the dream while we were all getting 'better acquainted' my Dad walks in. I was like Dad, what the bloody fuck are you doing. Thankfully he left after about forty million years of 'where are my keys, where the bloody hell are my shitting KEYS?!' So, not unlike reality really.

In conclusion, this dream kicks that-dream-I-had-about-Radiohead's arse.

You know what really grates my cheese...

Right now I am sitting on my bed pretending to do my Psychology homework.
I just got a text.
It says 'Lol drunk J text'

Isn't my life hilarious? No seriously, isn't it?

Anyway while I am sitting here (omg present tense) I am thinking about all the things that piss me off. Here is my list (in no particular order):

1. The phrase 'Lady Gaga plays piano'. How nice, Stevie Wonder has a secret hobby too: proffesional photography.
2. Adverts that try to be smart like 'why get something like a blabla when you can get a blabla?' Because Mr Smarty Man I don't want a 'blabla' I want a BLABLA!!!
3. Speaking of adverts, that Tescos advert about that married couple and their lovely life. Why is that man with that woman? She is not unattractive and he looks like a potato.
4. People who are like 'Oh no, I don't eat fish' or 'Oh I left my carrots because they make me sick'. Just shut up and eat your fucking carrots bitch.
5. People who don't drink, and then look at you like you've just licked a frog when you do.
6. When you see a really beautiful piece of art and when you show the art to someone else, they give a really retarded comment like, 'lol I can see that lady's boobie'.
7. When old relatives come over and they insist on asking you about universities and A-Levels. And nothing else.
8. However, I do like the number 8. Look at it. It's all squishy and cuddly.
9. Twilight fans. I mean the obsessive ones. The ones who would kiss a frosted windshield to see what it would be like to kiss Edward Cullen. If you want to know what kissing Edward Cullen is like, you should probably kiss a deep-frozen salmon.
10. People who, when you are first introduced to them, say 'Hello, I am Damien, and I'm a gay'. First off, you're not a gay, you are gay. Second, I don't give a shit.

Now excuse me while I go and bang my head against a wall for half an hour.
Peace and blessins.

'Do you think we're allowed to eat those sausages yet?'

OK....

So on Saturday, I went to this party.

That is pretty much all I can remember.

No, no of course not.

It was a surprise party for my friend's friend, neither me or J had any idea who she was, but we got to know her as the evening progressed and she turned out to be very lovely.

I think I'll rewind to the very start...
I got to J's at sixish with all my stuff. I tried to be nice to her very enthusiastic dogs who were jumping up at me. (Screw you dog, if you put a hole in these tights I will have to blind you with my mascara brush.)

J greeted me with, 'hi, you look cute... By which I which I mean slammin' (this is why I luff her) Then after a bit of ...

'Oooh try the Apple Sourz its lurvely, tastes like Hubba Bubba'
'I would if they hadn't spelt 'Sourz' with a 'z''
'Oh no dude we are wearing THE SAME SHIRT'
'Wow, awkward'

We finally left for the partay. It was a bit of a trek actually, we had to get a bus, and then walk for miles and miles (when you're in heels, one mile can be deferred to as 100 metres) and it incidentally, fucking freezing.

When we finally got there, there were A LOT of girls (and a lot of really nice shoes) a few boys and some old people. No, I don't know either. There was also a great abundance of sausages and cakes, as well as party poppers. It was actually smaller than I'd imagined, but still nice* and there was plenty of room to dance.
We did the hole 'SHH FUCKS SAKES SHE'S COMING SHUT UP' for about 15 minutes before she actually arrived. Then it was all socialising and drinks 'oooh I love your dress', 'oooh I love your shoes' etc (that is how girls meet other girls). I made a lot of facebook friends and people kept offering me various drinks, which I accepted because, you know, I didn't want to be rude and all that shit. In fact, I got so drunk I actually requested 'Just Dance' by Lady Gaga. I know right. I'm so embarrassed. I don't think it really matters anyway because you can't exactly jump around to Radiohead.

It was a very good night, and we stumbled back to our friend's house at about midnight. Where we opened a bottle of wkd, Vodka Schnapps and Smirnoff and watched Madagascar 2.

I woke up in the moring wearing someone elses T-Shirt and tights. Yup. Nope. I have no idea.
We then got dressed and watched 'Takeshi's Castle' which I have never watched before. Turns out it's the most hilarious thing ever. And not just on TV.

I am now quite confident that I can't drink half a bottle of three seperate drinks and maintain my dignity.
I am also quite confident that I called just about everyone in my phonebook, and also texted some people... Unfortunately my phone likes to delete all my sent items, so I have no idea who I sent what.

But if you do have a missed call or a text from me, just shake your head and delete it.

(*That's what she said)

hey... hey you...

Who's up for going to the cinema on Friday?
Bring a teddy or something, because we're seeing Paranormal Activity.
If you want to go, just msn me for important things like time etc I have no patience for you and your ridiculous demands.

In other news, today me and my sister took the dogs out for a walk.
I wanted to get muddy so we went to the fields and jumped in some puddles etc.
Then, on a particularly steep part, my sister literally got stuck in the mud. I had to stagger about twenty feet through extremely thick mud to pull her out.

Also for some reason, on the way back home, there was an abundance of tractors and once again, my sister was lagging behind with Skye (the dog you fools). Suddenly a tractor pulled out and started 'chasing' her down the road. I heard her screaming hysterically and turned to see her sprinting wildly down the road with a tractor in close pursuit.

I wanted to tell her to stop being so hilariously stupid but I was too busy choking with laughter.
At one point Skye went gallivanting off to the hills and we couldn't find her. So we both started howling like wolves and she came rocketing back at full speed with her tongue practically smacking her in the face.

Fianlly- Saboo, there will be no top 15 Blink 182 list. Because they suck.
xxx

What the ELL?!

Omg what the eff is with all these effing spiders???
For the love of John Simm! (who is coming back to Doctor Who at Christmas [I love him])
Just now, I turned around while I was in the bathroom to pick up my T-Shirt and there was a ginormous crooked spider sprawled along the skirting board.

So for some reason I started humming 'Space Oddity' by Bowie before slowly backing out of the room.

Then I ran off to tell my sister who grabbed one of the many cardboard tubes she keeps in her room for some reason and smushed it to death (I still hummed 'Space Oddity').

It took her a few goes to get it, because she refused to actually step in the room. You know, in case it charged at her and wrestled her to the ground. I was watching from a safe distance and mostly heard exclamations such as 'God *thump* shit, shit *thump* fucking die! *thump thump thump thump* erugh .....................*thump*'

She put a little cardboard box thing over it because it had died in a really twisted position and it was a bit gooey, so neither of us felt like picking it up.

I hope my step mum picks up the box and finds it. That'll learn her for being so short and annoying.

shit happens. but karma will repay you.

I think... The universe hates me.

Yesterday the weather was completely appalling. Forty five degree slants of rain, howling winds, trees practically a health hazard due to their flapping and creaking.

So yah, I went running.

Well, usually I really love running in the rain. I'm not sure why, it's some sort of drive I suppose. But yesterday I got absoloutley drenched, I mean entirely, there was not a single patch on me that wasn't dripping. And to complement Sara's recent blog, I was not wet in the sexy way. I was only wearing a T-shirt, because I thought if I wore a hoodie it would end up feeling like I was wearing chain mail. I got that part right I suppose (but it did go 'slightly' transparent [purple bras ftw!]).

I think I did two or three miles. It's hard to tell, the whole thing was a bit of a blur really. To top it all off when I came crashing through the front door, my Dad started blabbing on about my UCAS application. So I scrambled up the stairs only to find that my sister was in the bath (at 4:30pm?!) and when she finally got out, she has used up all the hot water.

But then I found forty quid in my jeans. It just like Julie Andrews said: 'when the dog bites, when the bees stings- I suddenly remember that I have dosh and things don't seem quite so shit.'

Or however she put it.

Sara and J will get this.

Today, I was working on the till at work.
I asked a man if he wanted a bag for his shopping, to which he replied:

'Oh yes, yessiree'.

Oh.

My.

God.

*Asterix*

Mmmmm I just had a shower.
Now I feel all warm and fuzzy and happy.

lol I love you guys (no, I'm not drunk *trips over ipod*).

When I got out the shower, I looked down and nearly slipped over because I thought I saw a spider on my tummy. But it was my belly button ring. Pffff.

Also, today I ate a banana for the first time in weeks. Oh yum I forgot how nice they are. I'm going to put one in my lunchbox tomorrow. That's right you heard me, I dream big.

Hopefully for the half term coming up (again *mirror five*) there will be more social gatherings. Which will be splendiferous if more than half of those invited bother to show up. But maybe this time, I won't get quite as 'bungalowed' as I did at J's.

Now leave me alone while I go and draw more Johnny Greenwoods.
(Ooh spellcheck... And only six spelling mistakes! *guitar solo*)

ANNIE GET YER GUN!

ohmygod

ohmygodohmygod

There is a spider roughly the size of a kitten right outside my door. I saw it when I opened my door to go downstairs for tea. There it was just bunched up along the skirting board.

I managed to shuffle past it before squealing and legging it down the stairs. Pathetic, I know but I am a serious arachnophobic. I mean seriously. Even the word SPIDER creeps me out.

It is still outside.

some sort of title.

So, get a tent and fill it with alcohol.

That is roughly how much I drank last night.

It was definatly probably worth it.

Anyway when I woke up it was the most disgusting day ever, but once again I escaped the hangover. So I'm actually fine apart from being amazingly tired.
Also, I have come to find that whenever my Dad picks me up from a particularly trying sleepover he likes to take me shopping in Waitrose. He drove to Waitrose, dragged me inside and as he was putting bottles of something into the trolley he realised he'd forgotten his wallet.

'Luckily' I had money with me so I spent the better part of £40 on bread and ham and other pointless things.

My Dad was in a very strange mood. He said it was because he was overtired. While we were driving back to Pewsey, his shoes made a 'hilarious' squeaking noise on the brake pedal because they were wet.

He said it was like there was a tiny squeaky animal under the pedal and then laughed and punched my arm and then nearly killed us when he flinched at a leaf hitting the windshield.

He asked me if I had fun at J's. I have no idea. People keep telling me things I did but it's like they're telling me a story from someone else's life.

I said 'Yeah it was fun', then he launched into a lecture about universities and how I wear too much eyeliner and how I'll never get a boyfriend if I always look like a panda (I think pandas are cute).

I said 'Sara and SMBx are back together' and he said 'WHAT?! When did this happen?' and I said 'well me and Sara tried it on and SMBx realised how jealous she was thus realising what a good couple they are'.

The car swerved a considerable amount at this point.

lol.

So, as it turns out...

Rejection isn't actually that bad :)

oh em gee those radioheadz are so cyoot.

The news is that J is having a super special 18th birthday party.

It's camping (yey!) probably in Savernake forest on the 31st.
So alot of people are invited- J, me, Sara, L, SMBx, Saboo and err.... Joey (sorry) also a bunch of other people that dont blog so obviously they're not cool enough to be mentioned.

Make sure you have a tent if you're coming. And alcohol. And some milk for people who don't drink (naw I love you guys really).

At the moment my Dad isn't letting me go, but I'm pretty sure I can convince him.

Hope to see you guys there.
Now I'm off to wrap J's presents.
By the way Sara you should wear eyeliner one day with that haircut. You might just turn me if you do.

OMG LOOKIT MY DESKTOP BACKGROUND

Seriously gaiz stop staring at me I'm meeellting.

*nosebleed*

The Merriment of the English Language

Today in English Language, me and J literally laughed our socks off. Seriously, they just flew off and we barely even noticed.

It was because we are looking at childrens story books, and me and J were blessed with that old classic 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt'. Remember? It was like the best book ever!!! Goes something like like-

We're going on a bear hunt
We're going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day!
We're not scared

Then theres the whole 'We can't go over it, we can't go under it, golly goose! We have to go through it!'

I'll tell you something, this family goes through a whole mess of shit including long grass, a waist deep river, a field of mud, a snowstorm, a dark forest just to find a bear which they then run away from.

Best book ever. Really.

I won't bother trying to explain what we were chortling at because it was quite a 'you had to be there' sensation. I could try to explain it but really, it will just result in me appearing rather simple minded.

Oh my aching sides, I haven't had a laughing fit like that in a while. Maybe when E and B were over and E told us about the pizza dropping/kicking story (you had to be there).

But, right at the end of the Bear book, there is a really nice illustration of the poor lonely bear walking back along the beach to his cave. It brought a metaphorical tear to my eye. That picture always made me sad, even when I was little I can almost remember my Mum or my Dad doing the 'ahh look, the bears sad. He just wanted some fwends'

Poor, poor bear.

Still funny, funny lesson.

Feelings and Shit

Right now I have never been more confused in my life.

In other news, me and J were talking about the landmarks of our lives together. Most of them happened in our year 10 english classes. One memory that always brings a larf is when we were in Mrs Round's class (calm down you paranoid freaks she doesn't even go to out school anymore) and she was talking about how disrespectful and inappropriate it was to swear in the presence of a lady. J and me turned to each other with a look of digust and disbelief:

J: Shit!
Me: Those bastards!
Mrs Round: >:c

Har de har. I have another one but I can't remember it. I suppose I should explain the confused part. Stuff's going on in my head right now. But I can't even explain it. It's just like I feel perfectly happy one minute, then suddenly I just want to run away somewhere, or punch something or shout at someone. I don't know. Well, I kind of know.

The other day, J and me were sitting outside next to the tree. It was nice and sunny. J turned to me and said, 'Hey... Do we actually have any real friends?'.

Stupid question, I thought. But then I really thought about it. No J, we don't. It's just you and me. But I really don't care about the rest.

So right now, for me, I only really have J, Sara and L.

I think.

This Isn't Happening...

I just went for a run (again).

When I run, even though I'm concentrating on my speed and breathing, even though it's near pitch black and I have Florence + The Machine blocking out any potentail traffic hazards, my mind wanders.

I can't help it, I think about things I rarely have the time for. Mostly people and situations. I picture a person, go through my feelings for them, I wonder what we would do if I went round theirs or they came round mine. I remember something about them that makes me smile. I imagine what it would be like to be them, I wonder what they really think of me.

Today on my run I had my mind set on a particular person. I do not want to think about this person. Mostly because I have been thinking about this person all day. I think about this person every day. I find it hard to talk about them. But I find it hard not to talk about them. It baffles me how fond I am of this person, because I've never really spoken to this person outside of the virtual world.

In the rare moments that I see this person, I feel happy, like there's a chance. I watch their behaviour and come to a conclusion. Then later I dismiss that conclusion due to over-analysing their behaviour. Due to the current circumstances, logic says I should forget about this person. But I was never really a logical person.

This isn't happening....

I have a crush on him.








How fucking pathetic.

Seventh Heaven?

Today, I had a seventh lesson. It was English Language, and of course, I sat next to J.
We were both completely shattered so didn't feel like doing much work, so we did the 'hand animal thing that walks around on tables' game. You know, you basically just pretend your hand is some sort of creature that as the IQ of an apple.

While this was going on, our teacher was mumbling away about Language Aqusition and various theorists, when suddenly she said
'J-James are you listening?'

Seeing as both our names start with a J, hearing the 'J-' part of that sentence gave us both a bit of a shock and we collapsed into fits of silent choking laughter.

For quite some time.

Also today, I ate about 57 Oreos and two packets of crisps. SO I am definatley going running.
Hopefully this time I won't run into a tree, or trip over a field-mouse...

Donkey Fudging

Last night I had some fun. I went round J's after school and met up with some friends later on that evening. The same friends that were involved in all the shinanigans of this post. But this time it wasn't so much running around drunk and foolish, but more 'Oh, just one vodka and coke for me'.

Well actually it was a double vodka. But I shared with J because she was ill and had been on pills all day. I felt a bit iffy and also had a cold coming on. So yah just the one.

Anyway, after we wandered around and somehow ended up at the kids park behind the Waitrose carpark. At this time it was probably around 11:30ish, and let me tell you, it looked fudging creepy. So creepy in fact that when the wind casually blew an innocent plastic bag along the railings, it was mistaken for a giant. We decided to use this to our advantage in scaring chavs.

Basically, we turned the roundabout and swung all the swings then exited the park to admire our handiwork. It looked pretty fudging convincing if you ask me. At this precise moment, a lone chav was taking a man-shuffle down the path, so we all stopped and stared at the possessed playground. B even got out his phone and pretended to take a video. Me and J mostly tried to turn our fits of giggling into terrified shivering.
It must have had some effect because chav quickly hippedy hopped straight into the public loos while we guffawed our way back home.

Back at J's, we made a pizza and a ridiculous amount of popcorn, and tried to decide what movie to watch. Turns out that movie 'Donkey Punch' was playing on Film 4. If you don't know what a Donkey Punch is, Google it. I am not explaining it.

Anyway, the movie was complete bollocks. I mean seriously, it was shit. Don't watch it. It just makes you want to be sick and kick the TV in and kill yourself. I will explain.

The plot went like this:
3 girls (can't remember real names) Boring, Sonic and Slag.
4 guys Prick, Blue Shirt, Engineer and Captain.
They're all on a hoiday someplace. The opening scene is Boring examining her armpit in the mirror. She grabs a razor and accidentally hacks a chunk of skin away. I don't know why.
The girls go down to the beach, meet the guys, go back to the huge fuck off boat, do some slutty flirting, take some drugs and have group sex.

Blue Shirt kills Slag by Donkey Punching her a little too hard and breaking her neck. Prick has it all on tape. Must get rid of tape. Throws it overboard. Throw body overboard. Have dinner. Prick says something that Boring doesn't like. Boring stabs Prick in the shoulder. Girls get into lifeboat and drift away. Boring lights up flare. Guys see flare. Go and get girls. Sonic fires flare at Captain. It embeds into his stomach and sets him on fire. He falls into ocean. Still on fire. Dies. Guys lock girls in a small room with a thick glass door. Blue Shirt carries Prick into small dark room. Le gasp! Prick still has tape! Blue Shirt wants it. He tourtures Prick by twisting and pushing the knife into him. Meanwhile, Boring is trying to escape room. Bangs heavy object on door. Door cracks. Boring does not register this and decides to run through door. Large piece of glass embedded into her knee. Pulls it out with unecessary detail. Despite this traumatic injury, Boring is able to run around with no difficulty. Boring hears Prick telling Blue Shirt where tape is. Pikeys tape. Blue Shirt is angry and kills Prick. Engineer pops up. Sonic kills Engineer with chainsaw. Boring and Blue Shirt cry. Sonic commits suicide. Boring and Blue Shirt get in lifeboat. Blue Shirt wants tape. Has knife. Boring throws tape on floor. Blue Shirt is distracted by this. Boring loops rope around Blue Shirts neck. Rope is attatched to big boat. Blue Shirt is yanked backwards. Boring lights flare. Film ends.

By the way, that was a spoiler.
Do. Not. Want.

Title Fail

If you know me, you probably know that I bite my nails. Well, actually... I chew on them like they're made of sugar mice. My stepmum has lived with me for about eight or nine years. She booked me a manicure.

First I was like 'Whaaat you retard', but it made me stop biting them, and now they look all pretty and black.....

I'm not emo.

It made me late for meeting up with J though, so we didn't have as much time as we wanted in Swindon. We went to BB's and I got this bacon wrap thing, which turned out to be the most disgusting thing I've ever put in my mouth (true story). Fortunatley I had my Britpop magazine with me, so me and J just sat in awe of how pretty and talented Blur are.

Gawsh....
They really are pretty...(I was going to embed a picture of them but my computer is died)

Also today, I put my knickers on back to front. Luckily they are boxer types so it didnt made much difference apart from I had a pocket at the front rather than the back.

This was an accidental incident by the way. I only noticed when I saw the label sticking out the front.

Twang-Overdrive-Feedback

My stepmum just informed me that she and my Dad are going out for the evening.
This means I have the house to myself (except for my sister, but that's nothing a wedgie can't fix).

I think I'll annoy the neighbours by making random and very loud noises on my guitar.

I have perfected 50% of Trimm Trabb by Blur.
I have perfected 25% of Paranoid Android by Radiohead.
I have completed 20% of my biology homework.
I have completed 0% of my english language homework.

Oh darn.

Newsflash

My Dad thinks I'm a retard.

Despite the fact I passed my biology exam (well, I did shite but hey, a pass is a pass) he remains skeptical about my ability to get higher than a C. I pointed out to him that I haven't actually had a decent crack at the exam yet. The first time I took it in January, I completely failed it with a handful of others in my class because I didn't bother to revise at all.
The second time I didn't revise a week before both of my biology exams because I went on holiday. I took my books and even managed to read a couple of pages before I fell asleep next to my pink umbrella lemonade. Have you ever tried revising on holiday? It's harder than the fucking exam. So because of that, I passed it, but only just.

This time I am determined to pass with a decent grade, I'm positive I can get a B if not an A if I really push myself. But my Dad reckons I should consider continuing with Art, since I have a better shot at getting a decent grade. Which is true, I got a C without even trying. But I can't stand how rigid it is. And anyway, I'll only get a B at best even if i draw my knickers off, and if I'm going to put myself through a year of art I'd rather get an A.

So I'm pretty sure I want to do biology this year, just to show my parents that I'm not a complete sock head.

Comments please xxx

The Good, The Not-So-Bad and The E

I just got my AS-Level results.
I passed everything. The intensity of the flying colours varied...

I will have retake Biology again...again...

So screw you idiots with your AAAB and your 'Oh, GOD a B the shame, the shame...'
Go play in traffic.

I Are Fearless

Today is the 10th August. That means it is my birthday. It is 12:03, which means you have 11 hours and 57 minutes to send me a birthday text, before I hate you forever.

My dearest bearded pally J was the first to send me a most splendiferous text this morning. I luff her forever. I might luff you a bit more if you bothered to acknowledge the fact that 17 yeas ago today I made the world a better place just by being forced through a vagina.

Appreciation for the Female Form

I get called a lesbian a lot. I never really understood why.

But I suddenly remembered an occurrence upon reading J's blog. It was when we were having our 'social gathering' a few fridays back, when E got out his pack of cards that had naked ladies on them:

J shows me a card

J: Is she hot?

Me: God yeah!

J: ...?

Me: Err... I mean... I don't know...

Hmm.... The light has been shed.

Please believe me, I am as straight as a ruler. The thought of kissing another girl actually makes me feel a bit gross (sorry boys). Oh put your knickers away, I'm not being a homophobe. For me, girls are great mates and the version of people I can be totally me around. I can talk about anything to my best girl mates, because I know they understand what I'm on about.

I don't really trust guys so much. Don't get me wrong, most of them are really amazing and funny, and I am perfectly capable of talking for hours about shit to them.

But some of them really piss me off. Some of them just hang around, using you as a fence post until they get what they want from someone else, then they forget you were ever friends.

Fuck you then.

Honey, I'm home

I have found new love in the form of Florence + The Machine.

My sister recently bought their album from iTunes, so weirdly, she decided to burn me a copy. Which was odd, because I can't see how that benefitted her in any way.

Anyway, the album is completely flawless, and while I always thought I would never be into that sort of thing and kind of dismissed them as mainstream and overrated, when in actual fact they are the complete opposite of what I expected. Which makes them bloody brilliant.

J and Me have been meaning to blog on the events of last weekend, which was a bunch of larks to say the least. But I'm not sure I remember exactly what happened. I have loads of 'episodes' in my head, but I'm not sure what order they go in, or what they mean. Maybe I will write a list (SMBx will be so proud):

1. Laughing at a big clock. That's CLOCK J okay? Clock. With an 'L'.

2. Attempting to watch 28 Days Later but knowing that I was instantly forgetting everything. It was a very surreal experience. I remember a monkey. And a naked man.

3. A snake.

4. Lying in the middle of the road looking at the stars. I like that part. But I'm worried that I may have been in my pajamas. Which is bordering ridiculous.

5. Eating a biscuit and being like 'am I eating this biscuit? Or is the universe making me think I am?...Or something...'

6. Laughing at J's expression when she tried tequila and some random fruit juice. Like, orange and guava and passion fruit or something skank.

7. laughing at this chair that kept spinning around of its own accord every time I sat in it.

8. Laughing. ALOT.

9. Near the end of the night, the host taking me aside (he was sober) and saying 'listen to me, J has been in the bathroom for God knows how long, B is outside on his hands and knees if people are going to throw up on me, I can't handle it, you have to stay awake with me. I'll freak out.' And I was all 'Oh for fuck's sake you pussy'.

And I've to end that list on a 9. Because I like to piss off foreigners (yes, I mean you, you Danish outcast).

In other news, tomorrow J is taking me to the Lake District. Which means I wont be blogging for a long time. I might post another one later, because I luff you all so much (especially my leedle weasel SBHx and my biatch L).

Peace out, whores x.

'Duff-Carten Away!'

I do believe that yesterday I may have broken my record for outbursts of hysterical girlish giggling in one afternoon.

Seeing as yesterday was Wednesday, lucky pal J only had to come in for social studies, which mainly consisted of us trying to snaffle Oreos without the Portly One catching us out and attacking us with his wig. luckily we were permitted freedom about half an hour early, so me and J hopped onto our bicycle-made-for-one-but-seating-two, and rode majestically towards the horizon. Or, more accurately: J insisted on overtaking some old ladies before I mounted the bike incase we accidentally crashed into them and impaled them on the barbed wire fence, and I jogged with an air of dignity and grace next to her.

I finally managed to cling onto the back while J did executed some marvelous pedaling, and we sped off with a majestic cry of, 'Duff-Carten AWAY!'

Needless to say, this was probably the start of project 'mad-us hysterical-us', and we wobbled our way to the rec.

Seeing as it is the middle of July, the weather was crap and it started spitting as we neared the river. Me and J are defiantly one of those 'Seize the Day' go-getters, and yesterday's seizing came in the form of rolling up our jeans, pulling off our shoes and socks, and doing some hard-core paddling. The first attempt lasted roughly a minute, with project 'mad-us hysterical-us' well under way. We came squealing out of the river, and immediately J spotted what appeared to be a fish squiggling away in the grass.

I pounced.

It wasn't a fish, it was about a million times better. It was a frog. I immediately christened him Alex James, as frogs are well known for their bass playing skills and mad grinning. Poor Alex James was a little confused and rather startled, so we set him down on a little weeny island and he hopped off to join his mates.

Me and J celebrated his freedom and lease on life my singing 'Coffee and TV' by blur whilst doing the Milky dance in the pouring rain. At this point we were beyond thirsty and J seemed to have her mind set on drinking the tequila I had in my bag ('You'll be less thirsty and you'll feel better about yourself!') I thought it would be rude to drink tequila near Alex James as we might have spilled some and poisoned him and his gang (Damon the goldfish, Graham the otter and Dave the water-snail) . So instead we shuffled off home.

But not before J decided that the perfect ending to the day would be to run over an ants nest.

She is relentless.

Crank It Up

Stepmother was being a bitch again.

So I spat in her face wash.

That is all.

Connexions

I forgot to mention my amazing connections.

If you haven't heard about this, it's probably because you haven't talked to me in the past one and a bit weeks. My amazing connections are of course to Damon Albarn. I mean, who else you loons. Like I would BOTHER having connections with anyone less cool.

The first is that my stepmum is an estate agent, and she recently got a new boss (I forget his name) who helped Damon Albarn find a new flat.

I know right. We are practically related.

The second is that my old English teacher/adopted Rolling Study Tutor sat next to him on a plane. I think I recall at the moment she told us, J said, 'did you touch him?'

At this point my maturity levels sky rocketed.

Bein A Teenager

So, my laptop has officially committed suicide. Which is my excuse for not posting anything since the blur concert. And I've just noticed I really hate typing on this computer.

I've just finished reading dear friend J's blog, and I must say I heartily agree with her on the subject of holidays. We all desperately need one. This morning was the fifth consecutive morning that I've been woken by my alarm at 6:30 am, only to hurl it across my bedroom and fall back to sleep for another blissful thirty minutes. It's all to waste really, as it leaves me about fifteen minutes to stagger about the house trying to remember where I put the bloody umbrella. Because of course, this is England darling, and we need rain to make tea, and to grow our daffodils.

My parents have taken to suffocating me recently. They seem to think that me lying and skipping the odd rolling study or maybe having a smoke in the kiddies park is abnormal behavior. To be perfectly honest, I only lie to them to protect them. if they knew what larks I actually got up to they may disown me. Which in itself could be a blessing in disguise, on the other foot, I only have ten quid in my bank, so being kicked out isn't ideal.

And they completely overreacted to me not going to RSP. My stepmother got so wound up I had to slip her a sedative in the form of my fist.

No, don't be ridiculous.

I have no idea what I'm going to tell them about this weekend. The plan is that me, J and L all swan off to a friends house, who happens to have his house free of parents. The fact that the friend is male is not a good start.

Last time I lied about my whereabouts, my Dad caught me straight away. I don't like lying to him, I actually like my Dad, he's an alright bloke. I just wish he'd give me a bit of leash sometimes.

Fish Fingers Anyone?

Does anyone else find that programme on channel 4 where they dissect massive animals slightly wrong?
I mean I know the animals died of natural causes or were put down because they were ill, so technically there is nothing wrong with it.
But something about it seems really twisted.

Right now I'm watching them cut open a whale on a beach. Guts and fluids are pouring over the sand. This woman is hacking away at its voice box, and sliding down the side of the huge animal, which is slippery with blood. She's laughing. They're using a digger to scrape away the flesh and muscle. Children are watching whilst eating ice creams and hot dogs.

I mean, I'm all for biological developments. but maybe a little respect for the dead is in order.
Plus, they don't seem to be discovereing anything new about the animals, so I don't really see the point, especially seeing as they've pulled the whale apart so much so it is barely recognisable as one anymore. It just seems to me that they could be doing something more productive.

Like, I dunno, saving whales rather than attacking the carcasses with a bread knife.

Hello Moon

Last Friday was an experience of many emotions: fear, apprehension, excitement, disgust, happiness, confusion, anger... but most of all, a feeling of sheer ecstacy.

No I'm not a druggy or a sex addict. I'm talking about Hyde Park, London, dead grass, bottles of beer flying around like insects, sun, speakers, guitars, drums. I'm talking about the blur concert.

We arrived in London at about 1:30, after setting off at around 12, so we had make excellent time. However it took us another half an hour to find the correct entrance to Hyde Park. Which is actually fucking huge. More like a battlefield for joggers and picnic baskets than a park. So thanks for putting the gate name on the tickets, blur. What a fun adventure that was. We finally figured out it was the Marble Arch entrance, and after about 67 years of my Dad giving us advice and instructions, (mostly along the lines of 'don't get crushed in the crowds okay?' to which we replied 'oh haw haw, please this is a blur concert. The fans will be intelligent individuals', oh I was so naive) We finally joined the surprisingly small queue for the entrance.

We made it amazingly close to the stage, but it was a frustrating 4-5 hours before blur finally came on. During this time we watched 4 supporting acts:

1. Wierd, tiny Chinese girl mostly singing gibberish whilst pretending to play a bass guitar (I'm not being racist, it was literally gibberish e.g. 'bom ba bom ba bom ba bom BAM BAM' I rest my case.
2. Florence And The Machine, bloody brilliant performance, Florence has an amazing voice and some serious charisma (also she waved at me. We are now BFF's)
3. African band who were pretty cool, but also said things in a language that no one understood. We still cheered though.
4. Vampire Weekend, Good performance, but I think people were getting a bit restless by this point.

The next few minutes the crowd seemed electric. Once all the band equipment was sorted, the stage was empty of movement. Every time the speakers stopped playing some 80's songs, the crowd started cheering, only to be let down by another song. Finally the music stopped, the cheering was frantic, smoke spilled from the wings of the stage, and through it came blur.

I promised myself I would celebrate my excitement upon their presence with dignity. But as soon as I saw them, strolling through the smoke in a kind of Charlie's Angels 'It-is-I' kind of way, all dignity was forgotten. This was my Twilight. I didn't cheer in a standard 'Woo', I fully on screamed my lungs out, jumping about like a loony on loon pills and waving my arms as if they'd caught fire. I literally could not believe it, I was flooded with joy, I almost cried.

No doubt the performance was unbelieveable. Nothing could have been improved. However, seeing as we were astonishingly close to the stage, it was slightly mental to say the least. Beer bottles kept flying past me or exploding on people's heads, and not necessarily filled with beer. The heat was intense, and we were contantly surrounded my sweaty blokes about twice my height and weight meaning I was pushed and shoved in all directions. My feet suffered intensely, they were trampled upon mercilessly and i now have the cuts and bruises to prove it. At one point it got so violent Damon Albarn had to tell the nutters at the front to 'enjoy themsleves a bit less', the responce to this was much booing, at which point my friend J turned to me with a look of pure horror on her face and said:

'You can't boo Damon!'

But it was so worth every pain-filled second of it.

My favourite song had to be Tender. Mostly because of the atmosphere, the entire crowd sang the lyrics. Alex James was grinning like a moron throught the entire night, Damon did 'The Jog' and I'm positive that without a doubt, we will all be voting for Dave.

I Love Gammar AND CAPS LOCK

AAHHHHHHUHUHUHHGHH WATTHEFAK
WHY IS SO FUCKING HOT

WAT??
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM MELTING
IM MEEEELTING *THROWS SELF IN RIVER* AHAHAHHA THIS IS WOULD BE EVEN WORSE IF I WAS FAT BUT IM NOT IM MORBIDLY OBESE SO ITS ALL GRAVY BABY

CANNOT THINK IN SENTENCES OR A LOGICAL MANNER BUT CAPS LOCK MAKES EVERYTHING HILARIOUS

POO

I BET YOU LAUGHED AT THAT DIDNT YOU DIRTY HO BAG
THE HELL WHY IS THE SUN SHINING THREW MY WINDOW FUCK OFF SUN YOUR KILLING THE PLANTS AND YOURE MAKING THE FLIES DELERIOUS

THANK THE MIGHTY JESUS A CLOUD HAS FREED ME FROM MY STATE OF FAGGOTRY


I feel kind of weird eating plants near other plants.
It's like they're watching me. Kind of sick really, eating something in front of something else.
How would you feel if a plant ate a human in front of you whilst you watched. Swaying powerlessly in the breeze.
I think you would feel pretty messed up is all I'm going to say.

To All You Human Beings With Working Brains

AND SO THE TRUTH COMES POURING OUT
GAWD

Today was a good day. I only had one lesson, which was biology (lame) and the rest of them were cancelled because of the bath university trip. Which I probably would have benefitted going on. Thing is, the course I want to do there requires three A's at A-Level. Which, my friend is not likely to happen. I will be ecstatic if I manage one A let alone three. If I do get three though, the shock may kill me. Which would be delightfully ironic.

This week I will most likey to be in an irritable mood seeing as on Friday I will be off to Hyde Park to see bur in concert. Words cannot describe my excitement. So I won't bother. Just picture me banging my fists on the keyboard and screaming. That's pretty much my mood constantly.

Was smacked with the reality today that I only have about £20 in my bank account. Which I will be withdrawing for the concert, bringing the total down to... Well ... Nothing.

What the fuck is this twilight fanatic??
Newsflash: it is shit, possibly the shittest. And I'm not just talking about books. It's just the shittest thng ever. That wasn't really a newsflash, it's not like it suddenly became crap. And that wasn't my opinion, here is the justification.

If you haven't read the book, then click on that link, your brain will thank you.
If you have read the book and hate it, click on that link and realise how right you are. Also be prepared to lol.

If you have read the book and loved it, click on that link, and realise what an idiot you are.

PEACE OUT LOSERS X

Running and Sparkles

So I started running. There's a bit of comedy for you.

It's actually really cool, so far I've only been twice, the first time felt like I was running towards some sort of bright light at the end of a tunnel...
Also I had to run through some long grass, but I got my foot caught on some loose roots or something, and I had to do that thing where you stagger forwards with your head about a foot off the ground to stop yourself doing a total face-plant.
It really was actually funny, I laughed at myself almost slapping to the ground.

For several minutes.

I ran roughly a mile, maybe a bit less. However when I got back home I was delerious and had some trouble with the strange plastic lever that turned out to be the front door handle. After solving the riddle of then closing the door I dragged myself upstairs and collapsed in a steaming pile on the floor of my bedroom. It was insane, I was so hot I could actually feel the blood pumping through me. Needless to say I slept like a log. A dead log.

In other news, me and my sister have started a new project called 'Screw You, Stephanie Meyer'. Because no, Mrs Crazy Lady, Vampires are not sparkily charming people with pwetty golden eyes and musical voices. They are ugly freaks with fuck off massive fangs, they're ripped with muscle and feral power, they don't lure you in with perfect appearences and sparkily nonsense, they just see you and hunt you down and rip your fucking throat out.

SAME WITH WEREWOLVES YOU TALENTLESS WENCH!

I'm glad that is out of my sytem.

Unecessary Linkage #1

Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy.

Everyone finds at least one of these sexy.
I know which one I'd choose.

Gawd I am so bored and lame.

x

Nothing To Say Really...

I just thought I should post something seeing as I haven't in about forty years.
Of course that isn't true. But can you imagine life forty years from now? It's terrifying to think about. I will be 56. I wonder if I will be alone at 56. I wonder if I will still be into music.

I wonder if any of Radiohead would be dead.

Oh my gosh horrible, horrible.
the world would have surely gone completely bananas by then. I would imagine loads of ridiculous things would be illegal. Smoking will probably be illegal, running with sissors, not wearing a seatbelt on a roundabout... All of this, and probably more will all be illegal.

At least I will be too old to care. And all of the people I'm not so keen on e.g. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Lady Gaga etc. will be dead/dying/turning senile/hopelessly clinging onto D-List celebrity status.

I try not to think about the future. I just watch Fred.

Sweet Dreams Please

Found out today that A-2 psychology involves researching sleep. Very happy about this, as sleep fascinates me. Dreams are also amazing things.

Here is a dream that is kind of weird, kind of cool but a bit rubbish that I had last night involving Radiohead. It was the kind of dream that I believed for a few hours after I woke up. Then I remembered that it was just a mind movie. Which left me kind of sad, but also releaved:

Just about everyone I know is crammed into a room which resembles some sort of classroom. There are also some shady teenagers at the back of the room, which I referred to as 'Cool Kids'. At the opposite end of the room to the Cool Kids, Radiohead are playing on a very small stage that is about 2 inches off the ground. I am the only one standing. I am also very, very close. Just as I become to feel extremely self conscious about this, my friend L says to me, 'Sit down you retard'.
Thom Yorke says, 'Yeah sit down, the Cool Kids can't see'.

Oh dear.

I sit down near the back by myself, some of the Cool Kids shake their heads at me. Once Radiohead finish playing, people start taking pictures of themselves nd the band members. Thom says to me 'Make yourself useful'. So I end up taking pictures of him and the Cool Kids.
At this point I feel sad, but also strangely happy.
Jonny Greenwood then comes over and says, 'Don't worry, he's always like this'
Phil Selway joins in, 'Yes, I remember once, Thom stole my spoon ... *long sigh*... I've never really forgiven him for that...'

Then I woke up in a cold sweat.

What could this mean???

You Are Going To Die

Just watched 'Jules et Jim'. I have to say although my opinion on French films is biased as I am unconditionally amazed by them, this film was absolutley incredible. The acting is superb, so much so that at one point I became so involved in the film I forgot that I was watching it, I felt like I was playing a role in thier lives.

So to all you idiots who cringe at the thought of films that aren't made for the flatheads of America, I suggest you open your tiny minds a fragment to european films. Yes you have to read subtitles, but don't worry, that doesn't mean you're watching a book. It's still a film, you won't be learning. If it bothers you that much you could always learn French. Or is learning another laguage to benefit your cultural knowlage blasphemy if you're a chav?

Moving onwards...

When I was nine, someone very close to me died. I found the last picture ever taken of her. I studied it for a few minutes. It's an incredibly spontaneous photograph, and I always end up wondering what she was thinking at that moment. I also looked for Hollywood death omens. You know, the typical cliched, maddeningly obvious ones:

Mr P: 'Wait! If you look very closely, (very closely being smack in the middle of the photograph)there appears to be a beam of light slicing his head off'
Jeff: 'Well Mr Photographer, that could easily be a fault in the developing'
Mr P: 'No Jeff, this picture....IS DIGITAL!'

*Dramatic music plz*

Anyway... The point is, there was absoloutley nothing. No death omens, no shadows in the shape of a knife, no big black doggie like in Harry Potter. There was a pack or cooking flour peaking out suspiciously behind her... But seeing as she didn't get attacked by a massive bag of flour, I think it's safe to overlook that detail. But then what did I expect? I was just curious. I've never really believed in the 'Deaths Plan' concept. I don't believe everyone has a time to die. I just think things happen, sometimes in great coincidence, and they can result in death.

And yes, you are going to die. But most likely in about 60 years time.
Have a nice rest of Sunday :)

Big Eye

Big Brother is watching you.

Yes I watch Big Brother. I can hear you judging. I find it interesting. Random strangers crammed into the same house for 13 weeks. No time to yourself unless you're in the shower or on the bog. It's nice to watch the blonde girls with big boobs slowly unravel.

Dad got me a present yesterday! Best present ever. No lie. Well, almost best present ever.
It's a DVD, but I won't tell you what it's of. My sister got a present aswell, the two most recent Maximum Ride books. They're awesome books, I read them when I was 13, but I haven't read the most recent one yet. So I might be inclined to yoink it from her.

I need a shower. Blog later.

Nice Combination

Terrible Dad Joke #1: Camping in your room would be "in-tents" (intense)

Impossible Parent Question #1:
Q: How do you manage not to lock the front door when you go out?
A: Dunno, just forgot.
Q: No, that's not the answer, you can't 'forget' to lock the door. It's like forgetting to put your shoes on before you go out. It just doesn't happen.

How hilarious life is.

To more pressing matters, yesterday was a bunch of larks. Met up with dear friend J (who I need to give a more deserving nickname to) and her boyfriend who I suppose I have to call Mark. Witnessed duck rape in the kiddies park (which is probably just like normal sex to them) and named three cows (Sebastian, Clarence and Mayhew).

Afterwards we rode back to J's house on her Mum's bike. It's a lovely bike, and can seat two non-fat people quite comfortably. J is very talented in the pedalling department, although she very nearly crashed into a tractor while we were singing our number one hit re-make of 'A bicycle made for two'. Lyrics as follows:

Daisy, Daisy
Give me your answer do.
I'm half crazy
Because of my love for you.
It won't be a stylish marriage,
We can't afford a carriage.
But we'd look sweet,
Upon the seat,
Of a bicycle made for one-but-seating-two.

Get a look at that Miley Cyrus. Now you should be worried. Never mind bringing down Radiohead, what about us? Our movie is much more developed as well. I think it might be time for you to retire before you hurt yourself falling onto my fist.

Going back to J's today, I might bring my acoustic if I can find the case...
We gonna jam.
And we don't have any alcohol so I guess we will just have to get high off smoothies and Haribo. Probably the best thing seeing as last time we got drunk together we ended up back at college after hours. We also ended up replacing all of a friends gin and Vodka with water. And we all ended up crying hysterically before staggering off back home. Its the only way to live.

Dead Air Space

It was hot today.
The world is wonky, we had about a foot of snow in January and today I was practically crawling to my friend J's house. Plus we had to walk her dogs. It can't be fun being a fat black labrador today.

I'm finally free from the wrath of exams! That last Biology marathon though... Jesus, I could have had a siezure. Sitting in the same room in silence for three hours. I stared at most of the questions, hoping for some sort of epiphiny as to what the answer might be.

Or even what they were asking.

It's dead and gone now anyway, now I can look forward to more important matters. Such as going to see Blur in July (zomfg crazy fangirl moment) and going to the Lake District with my dear chumette J.

If anyone can tell me the meaning of the following phrase you get a Gold Star:
'Phoebe Io E lara Leda Callisto Sinope, Janus Dione Portia So Many Moons'

Also:
'Vega Capella Hadar Rigel Barnard's Star, Antares Aldebaran Altair Wolf 359'

These Gold Stars are not easy to comeby... And they are only virtual.
So far my blog has mainly been just a daily crap and venting matter. 'People' have been asking me why I don't include some sex in here. I'll tell you why. It's my blog. So screw you. If people want to create sexual fantasies then that is their own choice. I prefer the tasteful and more subtle side to erotica i.e. less of the 'she grabbed my throbbing cock and I immmediatley jizzed'. No further comments.

More fangirl annoyance:
If you like decent music, you probably like Radiohead. Unless you're my Dad. Go away Dad, no one likes you. And please stop singing 'Dani California' and 'Paranoid Android' at 6:30 in the morning.

Anyway

www.radiohead.com/deadairspace

I have trouble understanding what they're talking about most of the time. But I like to think it's due to the fact they are driven to insanity from all the entertaining. or maybe I'm just a retard.
Words can't express how much I love them. So I won't bother.

Don't worry Thom, I think they're beautiful too.

P.S. Me and J were watching 'The Weakest Link'. Annbott asked 'Who is the artist behind character "Tank Girl" and virtual band "Gorillaz"?'
I was super happy. It's Jamie Hewlett. If you didn't know that, go and buy some culture.

Things I 'Dislike'

The term 'dislike' is rather hilarious, as most of things on this list fill me with a blinding rage. Some of these things I could rant on and on about for hours, probably followed by an act of extreme violence. However, I'll try to keep it short and sweet.

1. Miley Cyrus. This. I really. Cannot. Stand. I could burn her. Me and a freind L discussed effective ways of tourture and eventual death. He had a rather nice one of sharpening her CD's and then cramming them down her throat. In my book, the only people I can forgive for liking her are 10 year olds. The rest of you, open your fucking eyes. Oh life is so hard for poor Miley, she can't decide to be rich girl or rich girl in a wig. Have you ever seen her in an interview? She's the definition of spoiled brat, trying to 'convince' us (which is actually just her grimacing at the camera, screaming American slurs and then 'giggling' which actually sounds like a drowning pigeon) to go and see her movie. Guess what it's called? 'Hannah Montana: The Movie'. Oh way to think outside the box, a movie about yourself. Who really and honestly can say that they give a shit about her life? If she becomes Miley Cyrus rather than Hannah Montana, how, exactly with that effect the world? Apart from a bunch of kids wanting brown rather than blonde hair. How can she have a sense of achievment if shes only there to entertain kids half her age, which by the way, is 16. 16 years old and she still has Daddy with his Kentucky Waterfall haircut writing her songs for her.
I did get a kick out of that interview she did about the Grammy awards. Apparently, she wanted to meet Radiohead backstage, but they wouldn't have any of that. Finally, someone taught her a lesson, I'm so glad it was Radiohead. They are now Gods. More on that in the future.

I would say she's a slut as well. But of course, she's celebate. It's a shame, because now no one can give her AIDS.

2. Censorship. This is another hate matter. It drives me to the brink of madness whenever I watch MTV these days. I remember distinctly watching MTV and Beetlebum by blur came on. I was estatic and turned up the volume, since it's so difficult to find decent music on any music channel these days. But when Alex James (my gawd he's gorgeous) goes to take a drag on his cigarette, his whole fecking hand is blurred. Is that completly necessary? I mean we're not retards, we can figure out whats he's doing. The clue? Well you see MTV, he exhaled smoke, so if we rule out the possiblilty of him being some sort of bass playing dragon, I think it's fairly obvious that he's smoking. Later on in the video, the drummer, Dave Rowntree pauses to take a sip of Coke from a can. Guess what? More blurrage (yes, I get the irony) Why? We're not going to run out and buy Coke just because blur's drummer does. If you think about it, we are more likely to notice the blurred object, rather than if they had just left it alone. What's more, MTV go beserk whenever someone takes a quick drag or drinks some coke, but swaggering about in a pair of knickers and a bra singing about sex and muffins is perfectly acceptable. Justin Timberlakes new video named 'Love Sex Magic' (or something similar) basically involves him and some skinny woman in a catsuit crawling over him. While she wags her arse in his face and wraps her tits round his legs he just completely ignores her and continues singing. So sure, censor things kids are going to witness every day of their lives, but leave the sluttish, impossibly toned twenty something to continue to embarrass the rest of the female popultaion and convince 13 year olds to do the same in their school discos.

3. Health and Safety. It's getting to the point of ridicule now. We MUST eat at least 5 portions of fruit or veg or we will get CHD and die BUT! We MUST NOT excede this too greatly otherwise we'll get acid erosion and all our teeth will fall out. The fate of H&S relies on the history of accidents. For example, some retard decides to use sissors to put on their eyeliner and they carve their eye out. By accident. So now everytime you buy a pair of sissors, they have 'Warning: Do not use to apply eyeliner' and you think, why the fuck would I do that? I'm not stupid, I know that sissors are sharp and they're for cutting things. It's kind of insulting that H&S would tihnk I'd be stupid enough to try that. My point is, our lives are controlled by the paranoia. The suspicion that the worst will always occur. Having a tan, for example, is desireable, but I recently read in a Glamour magazine: 'Tanning isn't pretty or clever', so we should just use fake tan and leave it at that. Because everyone knows that if you don't go out with sun cream, you will get skin cancer and die. You have been warned.

Wow so much for short and sweet. There is loads more, but right now I need to revse for my Biology, or at least to pretend to. Maybe I'll embed some more Likes & Dislikes in future posts. Peace out.

Boxer Short Tenner

Good Fucking Lord
I got home yesterday at about 1:30am from my holiday and I am now blogging at NINE in the morning. This is ridiculous, plus I think I have a very tiny but very angry Miley Cyrus in my head beating the shit out of my brain. Oh well, she probably just jealous (Ow).

ANYWAY
So yah I went to Turkey. It was nice, but I'm so fucking fucked for my Biology exam tomorrow as a result of doing nothing. And no, not the pretend nothing where you've at least read through the textbook once or you kind of know what you're talking about when they ask about starch, I mean literally...nothing. Some fucking holiday that was, the brainless organsisms that I share a living space with (my parents) thought it would be a lovely idea to disrupt my revision by spending a week in a forgein country. Like I'm supposed to revise at the beach, I can barley do it with a gun to my head. Needless to say, I did nothing (literally) and all the revision I did before the holiday has emptied out of my head, so there is a lovely cooling sensation whenever a gust of wind blows into my ear.

Turkey is a mad place by the way. Go there for the lols, but don't expect to have a nice time. We went to Bodrum, which is some place where people are forced into a massive tent while other people shout things at them. It was midday when we got there and about 35 degrees C and my Dad was all "Ooh this should be fun, we can haggle! And experience some of the Turkish culture! and buy spices at low, low prices! (yay a rhyme) come on girls!" at this point I was a mushy blob on the floor and my sister wept for my severe dehydration.

I got presents for my friends you lucky, lucky swines. At low, low prices!

There was a fat bloke in there who kept shouting "boxershortboxershortboxershortboxerSHORT!" Just like that.

I feel the wrath of a million rants, but maybe later...I need some toast.

Things I Like

1. Music. Actually, saying that I like music is a massive understatement. Music is a huge part of my life. So much that I actually judge people if they have a crap taste in music. Music is so fantastic it's hard to find a way to decribe it.

2. Rain. God I love rain. And not the shitty pretend rain like mist, I mean the hardcore, lashing on the windows rain. I like to go outside in it and just run around till I get soaking. I don't know why, but afterwards I feel like I've lived a bit more.

3. Sleepovers. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling. The best memories are created at sleepovers. Everyone gets into pyjamas, we make a fort out of pillows and sleepingbags, we eat fuck loads of chocolate and ice cream, we scare ourselves shitless watching scary movies, we share secrets, we say who we think is hot, we play the 'would you rather' game... Good times

4. Laughing. Everyone loves laughing, I love it especially.

5. Being single. Relationships make me feel suffocated. Being single is just so liberating. Some people need a relationship. These people are not independent. They need someone telling them they're pretty. I dont need that, I dont really care about people's opinions on me. Mostly because I often get called mean. If you think I'm being 'mean' to you: deal with it.

There will probably be a sequel to this. Probably titled "Things I Don't like". It might be longer. And probably more aggresive.

Freedom!

Huzzah! freedom from exams! (until the first of June)
So for the entire weekend I've just been rolling around listening to Radiohead and Blur... Which is pretty much what I do anyway, even when I have mountains of revision. This is probably one of the many reasons my last psychology exam went a bit shit. I got most of the definitions mixed up, and whenever I got close to a correct answer 'Karma Police' started playing in my mind. Good thing I had a hoodie on, otherwise I might have started shouting and crying.

Quite a hilarious incident occured one evening during dinner. I was innocently muching away on my sausages and assorted vegetables, when the particularily annoying woman that lives with us (call her my 'stepmother', despite the fact her and my Dad aren't actually married) suddenly decided to bring up revision. Everyone who is doing exams will know, that the single most irritating and suffocating thing a parent/guiardian can do is ask "So how's the revision going?". Because this is not a simple question that results in an answer like "Oh, pretty good" and then stops. It actually involves parent/guiardian wanting timetables and blueprints for methods of revision. Let me enlighten you on the conversation:

SM: So how's the revision going?
Me: Oh, you know, pretty good.
SM: Have you done any tonight?
Me: Yes
SM: When's your next exam?
Me: Two days
SM: So tell me, can you revise and play the guitar at the same time?

FOILED!!!

Damn those thin floors!
Her rant went on about my biology teacher calling home and saying he was "concerned" about me (probably because I've been skiving lessons. I justify this by saying that I was REVISING which I WAS...Bastard) this did not help my current situation. So I calmly finished my tea and played 'Coffee and TV' by blur in my head before stamping upstairs to play guitar again.

Rant of the Week: Smoking

Oh, how I despise being 16

Old enough to know my responsibilities, but not old enough to neglect them.
Also old enough to stagger through 3 AS-Level exams, but not old enough to drink, drive or watch decent movies. I can however, slowly infest my body with a poison that englufs your mind and enslaves your body to its putrid stench...by which I mean smoke.

Don't get me wrong, I think smoking can be incredibly sexy on the right person. If they're someone like me who can have a smoke and then not bother for 3 years before their next few, smoking can be very alluring. However, what isn't particularly attractive is waking up in the morning and immediatley hacking up bits of lung that resemble charcoal coated in phlegm.

I'm only talking about smoking as a result of my recent English Language exam, where there was a leaflet about quitting smoking. If you ask me, it is completely pointless trying to persuade people to quit smoking. If they want to quit, they can make that decision within their own minds. It's not like people are sitting around at home chain smoking thinking to themselves: "If only there were away to put a stop to this disgusting habit of mine, which as far as I know is completely harmless ...Oh well, until someone tells me what to do, I shall continue inhaling smoke until I eventually die of natural causes"

And everyone knows about the fekking NSH support. Is it really necessary to make overdramatic adverts with withered people standing on massive cigarettes? Quitting smoking isn't the same as throwing yourself off a giant metaphor. Anyway, if you want to quit smoking, why dont you stop being a pansy and just fucking do it. Jesus, talk about your external locus of control.

Oh noes! A huge black space!
For some reason people think I will be filling it with hilarious, cutting remarks and colourful language. Unfortunatley, I have various AS-Level exams very soon, therefore it is safe to say my brain can't actually think of a way to finish this sentence. So for now I'll just say: if you don't want to be a conformist, aim to conform... No one does that.